A goal I have been working on lately is to be "less nice."
I don't really know how to keep going on this issue because the things I have been writing and subsequently deleting don't accurately capture my feelings on the subject.
Here's a statement: I'm trying to be less passive.
And here's the problem: I have been called passive before and it's really irked me. Something about the term offers me a negative connotation somewhere along the lines of 'boring.' True, I don't argue. I let things go. I'm not hotheaded. But there has come this point where I am tired of being okay with everybody and everything. I am confident that personally I have opinions, feelings, all that good stuff that comes along with being an interesting human being, but with most people and situations, I don't think I necessarily need to share them.
There it is: I don't ever share my opinions unless it's with people that I'm comfortable with that I know might be interested in hearing them. I never feel that my opinions are better than anybody else's or that I have any right to pipe in and share them. This is why I never spoke in class. This sort of filter is what some people need more of, and some people, like me, need less of.
It's become less of an issue of being shy, and more about feeling relatively ignorant and/or not really caring.
If things suck, I'll see them through. Why? Because why should I put up a stink? There is also an experience to be had, to store away, to maybe bring out some other day, to tell as a story.
A problem: If something sucks, and I respect myself (which I'm not sure I always do), do I get out of it? Do I suck it up? If I leave, I feel like I've lost. So if I stay, I wave it off as something that happened. I wave it off as 'life.'
Much of the time things are really just 'okay.' Nobody wants to hear when things really suck. Nobody wants to hear it when you are bursting with ebullience and joy.
But I'm feeling a little boring. I'm feeling that I care too much about if other people 'like' me. I'm feeling bad about sitting alone at the lunch table. I'm feeling kinda bad about all of these things. It's difficult to change these things. It's difficult to change the way I have been existing and have always existed. Right now I have a list of things I need to fix and it's really long. And how do you start to fix all these things? Where do you start?
I start a new job on Tuesday and I keep telling people it's going to suck. And people keep telling me it's going to suck. And I'll probably tell people when I get back the first day that it sucks. But really, I'm going to be OKAY. Because I don't get mad about things easily. I don't get annoyed to the point where I can't deal.
Because I'm passive?
